Vulgar
by Arkadian Toad
Summary: Artemis and Alex go to a club. Whatever could go wrong? Slash, Artemis Fowl/Alex Rider.


A/N: So, for some reason I wanted to do this. I think the idea of Artemis clubbing is hysterical, and of course Alex would have to be with him. Please bear with me if you see any mistakes, it's been a while since I read either series.

Yeah, I mention Franz Ferdinand in this. It's a lovely band; I recommend you listen to their song 'Michael' as background music for this fic.

Now enjoy this lovely plot bunny!

Genre: Romance/Humor  
Pairing: Artemis Fowl/Alex Rider  
Warning: Very, _very_ light slash  
Plot: Artemis and Alex go to a club. Whatever could go wrong?  
Disclaimer: I own neither the Artemis Fowl series nor the Alex Rider series.

Vulgar

"I hate you, you know."

Alex smirked at his partner. "Yeah, I know."

Artemis sniffed haughtily and surveyed the room. Strobe lights flashed different colors, leather could be seen mostly everywhere, and the stench of sweat hung in the air.

"How vulgar," Artemis said, turning to face his partner. "Please remind me why we've come _here_ of all places?"

Alex reached into the pocket of his tight jeans and pulled out a small slip of paper. He studied it before relaying the contents to Artemis.

"Apparently our target has been using some kind of weird technology to rob people. This says that he usually frequents bars and clubs like this one. We're supposed to be undercover… as…" Alex blushed as he read the next line.

"As what?" Artemis asked impatiently. "Give me that!" He snatched the paper and calmly read what Alex had missed.

"That's it?" Artemis scoffed. "You're freaked out because our role is to be a couple? How like you, Rider."

"Hey! I'm fine with this! I was sure you'd be the one to freak."

Now it was Artemis's turn to scoff. "You honestly think I'd be upset about having to pretend to be gay? Please. It's this dreaded atmosphere—and you, for that matter—that's giving me a bloody headache."

"You don't mind being gay? For the night, I mean?"

"Alex, I am-"

At that moment, though, the music seemed to get louder. Artemis put his hands over his ears.

"What is this bloody noise? Who actually listens to this junk?"

"Artemis, this 'junk' happens to be my favorite band," Alex said through narrowed eyes. "Now let's dance."

"What!?" Artemis let out an indignant squawk as Alex pulled him onto the dance floor. The song ended after a short while, and another band—Alex recognized it as Franz Ferdinand—came on. Artemis complained about this too… and pretty much anything else that he noticed.

"Look at how these people are dancing," Artemis sniffed at one point. "Absolutely vulgar."

Alex rolled his eyes and tried to search through the crowd of people for someone who matched the description of the guy they were looking for. He constantly found himself becoming distracted, however.

The strange thing was that he was being distracted by Artemis of all people. The dark-haired Irish boy wore tighter clothing than even Alex was wearing, but he still managed to look sophisticated. Alex found himself watching the way Artemis's clothes hung to his skinny body, how Artemis's raven hair framed his pale face in curly locks.

Alex somehow felt insignificant in comparison. He was pretty sure that instead of slender, he just looked awkward. His own lighter hair was cut into messy strands that hung limply around his more tan face, and the tight clothes he wore just accentuated how lanky he looked, however muscular he tried to be.

"What are you looking at?" Artemis snapped. "We're supposed to be catching a criminal."

Alex blushed lightly, but turned his attention back to the mass hoard of people. He loved clubs, but had only been to a few, and none were like this. This one had a sort of wild atmosphere that seemed to be unique.

"Well? Do you see anything?"

Something caught Alex's eye, and he quickly grabbed Artemis's hand. "Follow me, and be quiet."

Artemis seemed to be a little miffed about not being the one to give orders, but he followed anyway. Alex led him through the crowd, catching sight of their target again.

"He's going up the stairs." Alex whispered to Artemis. "Quick, give me the gear." He made grabby motions with his hands, causing Artemis to roll his eyes.

"Alex, wait," Artemis said quickly before Alex headed to the stairwell. "You'd better come back, so you can get me out of this vulgar place."

It took a while for Alex to interpret the true meaning. When he realized it, though, a smile spread over his face. "Don't worry, Artemis. I'll be fine."

"Hmmph," was the only reply he got.

---

"So you made it back in one piece I see," Artemis said upon his partner's return.

"Yeah, but he got away," Alex didn't let the disappointment show on his face, though, knowing Artemis would mock him mercilessly if he saw.

"What do we do now, then?"

Alex took Artemis's hand and tightened his grip before he could pull away. "We go to other clubs. We dance. We catch our target. We get a new assignment."

Artemis studied the ex-spy's face. "I'm not dancing to anymore of this vulgar music, you know."

Alex grinned. "Then we can make our own," his grin faltered. "Wait. That was really cheesy, can I start over?"

"No second chances, Rider." Artemis smiled at the flustered Alex. "But I suppose I can give you another try, just this once."

Alex laughed and pressed his lips firmly against Artemis's. "Who's cheesy now, Fowl?"

Artemis huffed. "Let's just get out of here. Have I mentioned how vulgar this place is?"

"You know, I need to get you a thesaurus."


End file.
